Roderich Edelstein vs The Bad Touch Trio
by browsofglory
Summary: Roderich's flight home to Austria is delayed. Gilbert decides to show up. Could this day get any worse?


**Disclaimer: Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya and any and all other respective owners. I also do not own any of the songs, shows/movies, or social media outlets mentioned in this story. They all belong to their owners.  
**

Human names are used!

 **Roderich Edelstein:** Austria

 **Gilbert Bielschmidt:** Prussia

 **Antonio** **Fernández Carriedo:** Spain **  
**

 **Francis Bonnefoy:** France

 **Arthur Kirkland:** England

 **Alfred Jones:** America

 _o0o_

Roderich groans as soon as he is out of an earshot.

 _Delayed?_

His flight is already at an ungodly hour, and now it could be held back for _hours._ When he asked about it, the lady said that the delay was indefinite (well, she actually stared at him for a while and asked him to repeat his question _many times._ Like, past the acceptable limit of two. Then she explained that she couldn't understand his accent, but, you know, same difference)!

Annoyed (though when is he not?) and exhausted, Roderich plunks down in a seat at his gate in a very unceremonious, un-Roderich manner, head aching from staying up so late, eyelids heavy and threatening to close. He refuses to to let himself sleep because the plane could come at literally any time and if he was asleep, he could miss his flight and end up in a worse position than he already was.

As a way to deter sleep, he puts in earbuds (he doesn't actually know that that's what they are called, though) and turns the music on his [old] phone (honestly, it's a miracle that he _has_ a phone, the stuck up old fuddy-duddy) on shuffle. _1812 Overture_ blares in his ears and he is grateful for the cannon fire in it for once; usually he thinks it to be a bit too much, but now it blasts loudly and keeps him [somewhat] awake. As he listens, he absentmindedly uses his fingers to conduct an imaginary orchestra, losing himself in the music.

It's so nearly blissful, he almost forgets that it is one o'clock in the morning and that he is sitting in an airport after a particularly grueling world meeting, trying to catch a plane back to Austria so that he can sleep in his own bed.

 _Almost._

Until the worst thing possible happens.

"HEY, SPECS!"

At the sound of that voice, Roderich groans and tries to look smaller in a vain attempt to make Gilbert look past him. It doesn't work.

Gilbert sits down beside Roderich, repeating his phrase over and over and over while Roderich tries to pretend that it's all a dream.

Seriously, who _does_ what Gilbert is doing? Roderich has earbuds in; isn't that the international "do not disturb" sign? He was sure Gilbert showed him one of those "meemees" or whatever that said that. _Gilbert._ Who was now doing the exact opposite of respecting the meemee ( _what is a meemee, anyway? Rules for the youth?_ Roderich wondered) and being a complete hypocrite. Not that Roderich would put that past him.

When Gilbert begins poking him, he decides he can't take it anymore.

"Vat!" Roderich snaps, finally meeting his cousin's eyes with a glare and trying his best not to look remotely tired.

Gilbert flashes one of his arrogant lopsided grins.

"Crazy delay, huh? Totally unawesome! See awesome me deserves better!"

Roderich rolls his eyes. Though he is right about the delay (even though he loathes to admit Gilbert being right about anything), he doesn't need to go all narcissistic and self-righteous about it.

 _Why is Gilbert here, anyway? Maybe a flight to Germany is at the same time?_

And then a thought that is worse than Gilbert randomly showing up hits him.

If Gilbert is here, those two idiot friends of his aren't too far-!

"Bonjour."

"¡Hola!"

...behind.

Roderich resists the urge to hold his head in his hands. He does not, however, try to restrain the look of horror and indignation on his face.

"Pleasure," he forces out, trying to make it sound as sarcastic and dry as possible.

Francis pouts a little. "You sound like Art'ur."

Antonio pats Francis on the back, frowning, and says something like, "Do not worry, mi amigo."

Roderich decides they are all officially insane and shakes his head, trying to go back to listening to his music. Unfortunately for him, Gilbert _really_ wants to irritate him, so he rips out one of Roderich's earbuds and forces him to listen.

"You are _so_ immature," Roderich fumes, but Gilbert just shrugs.

Roderich goes off the deep end and tries to wrestle the earbud away from Gilbert. Sadly, Roderich is...less than physically fit, and does not succeed.

He grumbles and glares at his cousin ( _how are we even related?)_ , who is laughing in his strange manner ( _do_ all _of his friends have abnormal laughs?_ ). Just at the good part of the song, too, when the snare drums begin and the melody turns fast-paced and militaristic.

If Gilbert wants to annoy him, well, he is succeeding.

Gilbert glances at his friends for a moment as they sit down, Antonio beside Gilbert (he and Roderich still refuse to speak to each other after the divorce unless forced to) and Francis on the other side of Roderich, before turning back to him. Roderich thinks his red eyes look like they're always laughing and/or mocking.

"So, vhy are you catching sis unawesome flight?" Gilbert asks.

Roderich twitches.

"To get back to Austria, you moron," Roderich's tone is very condescending, though it sounds a tad gravelly from lack of sleep. "You know? _The country that I live in?_ "

He doesn't ask about Gilbert's situation for a reason; usually people will be discouraged if you don't ask them about themselves. But, of course, the rules don't apply to Gilbert and he just keeps talking.

"Of course I know that! I _am_ awesome," Gilbert laughs obnoxiously. "See awesome me and mein awesome friends are visiting your country!"

Roderich looks pained. They're going to get arrested or something and ruin his beautiful nation.

Antonio is smiling so wide that it makes Roderich wonder if it hurts and Francis is nodding gracefully.

"Oui, Autriche looks très magnifique! Eet reminds me of Paris, but worse."

Roderich's eye twitches and he mutters some jumbled German (no, _Austrian_ German!) under his breath.

"Soy entusiasmado to see that bell tower, or, was it a clock tower? Anyways, that tower dat that guy built and den he didn't want any other countries to be able to build it so he ripped out his eyes! Oh! And dee desserts! I am thinking that dee desserts in Austria are deliciosos," Antonio continues to talk animatedly about what he's looking forward to in Austria.

Roderich wonders why he even tries.

Every time Antonio says something, Roderich thinks "you've already been to Austria, you know", but doesn't say anything and just nods slowly (part of him enjoys the praise, even if it _is_ from Carriedo the Idiot). Apparently the "no talking to each other rule" no longer applies to Antonio.

Roderich just listens to the music of _In The Hall of the Mountain King_ coming from the earbud that is still in until Antonio mentions his name and he snaps back into the conversation.

"...y por supuesto, we will have to visit jou, Roderich!"

Roderich _definitely_ did not want Gilbert's trio to visit him.

"Uhm, zat is not necessary," he tries to say it politely, but it comes out as more of a snap.

Gilbert scoffs and Francis rolls his eyes.

There is a pause. Unsurprisingly, one of Gilbert's group breaks it.

"I am going to get some coffee. Do any of you want any?" Francis yawns.

All three say various versions of "yes".

Roderich would normally have tea, but at this point, he needs any energy he can get and tea does not provide nearly enough.

Francis sighs, frowning.

"D'accord, 'ow do you take it?"

Gilbert flashes a cocky grin.

"Milk and sugar. Don't mess up mein awesome coffee!"

Francis scoffs.

"Je suis le roi du café, of course I won't mess up!" he declares with a flip of his hair.

"You did last time. It was totally unawesome!"

Francis glares at him. "It was a French confectionery creation!"

Gilbert laughs. "Well, it sucked."

Francis opens his mouth to disagree, but Antonio cuts him off.

"¡Sabes cómo quiero lo mío!"

"Black." Roderich mutters, figuring that if he is to stay awake, he'll need all the caffeine he can get.

Francis' eyebrows raise at Roderich's request, but he doesn't comment and just nods and saunters off, waving at them. He winks at a few poor souls as he goes. Roderich is _very_ glad it isn't him (Francis had a thing for him at one point and he spied on him playing the piano a lot and even took _photos_ of him. It was creepy. Especially because it was _Francis_ ).

Antonio and Gilbert follow his example and cat-call anyone who unwittingly crosses their path while Roderich tries his hardest to look like he is not associated with them.

 _My God, this is going to be a long night_.

When Francis returns, coffees in hand, Roderich is nearing the end of his rope, looking disheveled and annoyed.

Gilbert was telling him his opinions about everything from MasterChef to Donald Trump, and those meemees were thrown in quite a lot. One time, Antonio did something with his arms called a "dab" and Gilbert said it was stale. How can dabbing be stale? Isn't dabbing something else entirely? What kind of odd ritual is this so-called "dab"? What is this strange world he is living in, where the youths have their own language of meemees? _What is going on?_

Gilbert also mentioned how awesome it was to be Prussian once or twice, but Roderich dismissed it because "Prussia doesn't exist, Gilbert! It was dissolved in 1947! How can you be Prussian if Prussia is _not a county?_ "

Gilbert got _really_ angry at him for that.

Antonio talked enthusiastically about his "Romanito" and tomatoes before falling asleep on Roderich's shoulder. Roderich grumbled and tried to shove him off, but Antonio was heavy and Roderich was _not_ in shape or very strong in general. When he tried to wake him up, but he did not even stir, though he still talked. It was all nonsense ("Here come the turtle ninjas!", "fresh people are growing in that tomato field!" and the crown jewel, at least in Roderich's opinion: "Gilbert, eres una idiota." Thank _God_ someone agreed with him, even if it _was_ Antonio Fernández Carriedo, who was just as idiotic as Gilbert), and Antonio drooled on his shirt, effectively ruining it. It was expensive _and_ antique!

Roderich wanted to bang his head on a wall.

So when Francis hands him his coffee, Roderich chugs it, not even stopping to breathe. Francis freezes in the middle of handing Gilbert his and Gilbert freezes in the middle of grabbing it. Both are gaping at him in shock and awe, but Roderich doesn't care.

He needs caffeine to stay sane.

They eventually gather themselves, and Francis sets Antonio's beside him before sitting beside Gilbert ( _wasn't Antonio sitting there before? Why couldn't he have fallen asleep on_ Gilbert's _shoulder?_ ).

Francis' lips twist into his typical perverted grin.

"Ze bartender was très mignon."

"Awesome! Did you get seir number?"

Francis' face falls. "Non. 'Ee could not make a coffee to save 'is life."

"Ah."

Roderich wants to throttle someone; he just wanted to catch a flight home, and how he is stuck with Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest?

Gilbert snickers and points to Antonio, leaning over to whisper something in Francis' ear. Roderich only catches snippets of their conversation, to his annoyance; things like "coffee" and "prank". Francis seems appalled at first, but then they seem to reach some sort of agreement and his face lights up. They are both grinning like maniacs, and the volume of their conversation has decreased a lot.

They are plotting something, Roderich just knows it.

Roderich huffs, though he cannot hide his pleasure at their silence (or as close to silence as they can get). The disgust on his face has not left, though.

They stop discussing and Gilbert asks what he is listening to.

Of course.

 _Of course_ he asks _right_ when the song has changed to "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele.

And of course, he doesn't wait for an answer and just looks at Roderich's phone.

 _Oh, for the love of_ God _.  
_

" _Adele?!_ " his mocking laughter is a bark of "kesese". It makes Roderich wince. "Isn't sat a bit sappy for the first song I've ever seen you listen to sat isn't classical?"

"I'll have you know zat her voice is _incredible_."

"Adele is for sissies. You're a sissy. It's a match made in heaven!" Gilbert declares.

"I am not! Her music is very metaphorical and sincere; not 'sissy', as you called it, at _all!_ "

"Oui, Roderich! I 'ad no idea zat an English person could be so in touch with l'amour! Art'ur should take notes," Francis agreed, nodding his head once as if in affirmation.

Gilbert and Roderich both roll their eyes.

"You're almost as sissy as Specs," Gilbert sighs, and then thinks for a moment. "More awesome, zough."

Roderich is considering stopping listening to Adele because it's tainted if _Francis_ listens to it.

Francis waggles his eyebrows. Roderich feels the need to disinfect his eyeballs.

Instead of acting on that impulse, he composes himself (or composes himself as much as he can in the wee hours of the morning in an airport with his ex-husband sleeping on his shoulder) and says, "Indeed, Francis."

He wants to wash his mouth out for agreeing with Francis the Pervert.

"Her music is totally unawesome!"

Roderich's ears feel like they are bleeding; Gilbert does not have an "inside voice".

"It is not. It is very good, zank you very much," Roderich scowls at his cousin.

Gilbert just shrugs and turns to Francis.

"Now?" he asks, and it piques Roderich's interest.

Francis glances at Antonio and snickers.

"Why not?"

Gilbert stands and picks up Antonio's coffee. Roderich's eyes widen and he opens his mouth to yell at Gilbert _not to do what he's about to do,_ but it's already done.

Gilbert has dumped probably half of Antonio's coffee on him.

Antonio jolts awake and begins screaming.

"¡Dios mío! ¡Hace calor! ¡Ayayay, hace calor! ¡No puedo creer que tienes un corazón tan fría que puedes hacer cosas así a tu amigo inocente!"

He proceeds to sprout a string of very colourful Spanish curses. Unfortunately for Roderich, he speaks Spanish, and he understands each and every one of them. His eyes widen further and further at each phrase, utterly appalled at the whole thing.

Gilbert is keeling over in laughter while Francis is holding onto a chair for support, translating Antonio's swears into very shaky English.

Roderich can't believe his eyes, and as people shoot strange glances at them, Roderich gives up on manners and hold his head in his hands and pretends not to know them again.

Morons. Complete and utter morons.

Antonio runs, crying and flailing, to the bathroom, finally getting it through his thick skull that cold water will probably help. Francis and Gilbert continue to kill themselves laughing.

Roderich groans.

"Vat made you zink zat zat vould be a good idea!" he exclaims in the angriest tone he can muster, which is quite angry; he is _very_ irritated.

Gilbert doesn't even look up as he chokes out, "It's hilarious!"

Roderich rolls his eyes. _So_ immature.

"You probably burned him!"

They stop laughing and look up at Roderich for a moment, faces flushed from lack of oxygen.

"Well, oui," Francis says very seriously.

Gilbert snorts and they start laughing again.

Roderich throws his hands in the air in exasperation.

Antonio returns a while later to find Roderich looking like he's going to start another Austro-Prussian War and maybe a Franco-Austrian one too while he's at it. Francis and Gilbert are still laughing (Roderich notes that the tenor of Francis' "ohonhonhon" and the thin, shrill soprano of Gilbert's "kesesese" really don't go well together. It grates on his ears).

Antonio is fuming (or acting as angry as he can, which is probably the same as a eighty-year-old grandmother who is humming aggressively because she lost a heated game of croquet).

Gilbert opens "Phototalk" or whatever (actually, he opened Snapchat, but Roderich would never know that) and takes a selfie of himself and Francis with an angry-but-still-not-very-angry Antonio in the background. Roderich is in the frame, but he somehow manages to cover his face with the combination of his hands, his paper coffee cup and his phone in one second flat. Gilbert doesn't notice and captions the picture "the Spanish Inquisition", but right before he sends it, Francis sees and chortles at him.

"Camera-shy, are we?" he mocks Roderich.

Roderich glares at him.

Gilbert puts the photo on his story (Roderich freaks out; he finds the concept of "the Internet" really creepy) and Antonio insists that they take another selfie, all three of them this time. Francis poses, Gilbert gives Francis bunny ears, smirking evilly, and Antonio flashes an oblivious, happy smile. Roderich, again, covers his face.

Gilbert grins and selects the "paint" option, circling Roderich in red.

Someone answers with "who is that" and it becomes the trio's personal mission to take a picture of Roderich without him covering his face. When they finally get one, Roderich wrestles the phone away with fervor that would make Alfred jealous and runs off, fumbling with deleting it (he still isn't sure how "newfangled" technology works).

He ends up figuring it out after locking himself in a bathroom stall so that Gilbert can't find him, but accidentally takes a burst of twenty-three photos of himself with various faces ranging from extreme concentration to frustration to anger without noticing, which is virtually impossible, seeing as the original was taken on Snapchat and he somehow makes his way all the way to Camera without realizing anything is different.

When he gives the phone back to Gilbert, he has twenty-two more pictures than when he started, and with funnier expressions.

When Gilbert, Antonio and Francis laugh at his mistake and show him the photos, Roderich nearly bursts out crying. All of that effort!

The plane can't come soon enough.

Unfortunately, it does not.

It was another two hours before a flight attendant told them that the plane would be there in forty-five minutes. It took an hour and a half for the plane to actually land. A thirty minutes for boarding.

The flight had been at 12:30 am.

Roderich didn't get on until 5:00 am.

He had arrived at the airport three hours before his flight; at 9:30 pm.

That's seven and a half hours at this wretched airport, four and a half with Gilbert, Antonio and Francis, and twenty-one hours without sleep.

The trio continued to argue with Roderich, laugh at inappropriate times, pull pranks on each other (Antonio got Francis and Gilbert back by giving them Oreos with toothpaste filling. Gilbert didn't really care and kept eating them, but Francis gagged and continuously cursed American food), and winking and wolf-whistling at poor, unsuspecting victims (that had been the source of some arguments) for the entirety of the four and a half hours they were together.

Antonio had fallen asleep on Roderich's shoulder again, and Roderich, giving up on everything, fell asleep soon after, resting his head on Antonio's. He was awoken by Francis going ballistic and screaming about how it was like he and Antonio were together again.

Roderich had yelled at him and explained [not very] nicely that he and Antonio had broken up for a reason and that he has no idea what he ever saw in him.

Antonio had been confused, an oblivious expression on his face.

Francis had deflated.

Gilbert had butted in and told Roderich that he hummed when he slept. Roderich had shot a snide, sarcastic remark at him for that, and Francis asked if he was grumpy from lack of sleep and wondered if they should not have woken Roderich up. Gilbert answered, insisting that he was "always like sat!"

Roderich had scoffed.

When he finally gets onto the plane, Roderich feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

He can listen to music in peace, blissfully alone with his thoughts.

He is _free._

He puts his other earbud in for the first time in four and a half hours, humming along to _Four Seasons._

And then he stops short.

Sitting in the seat beside his is…

 _Gilbert._

 _Oh, for crying out loud!_

An entire plane of people, and of _course_ the only people he _doesn't_ want to sit with are sitting with him.

 _Ugh._

The plane ride is not delayed, but lasts a lot longer than it should.

 _o0o_

 **Author's Note:** I do not speak French! This is all Google Translate and a friend who speaks the language. I apologize. Whenever I see Google Translate Spanish in fics I cringe so much, so I'm really sorry to anyone who speaks French. **  
**

 **Bonjour:** Hello **  
**

 **Hola:** Hello

 **Mi amigo:** My friend

 **Mein:** I am not translating this.

 **Oui:** I am not translating this, either.

 **Autriche:** Austria

 **Très magnifique:** Very magnificent

 **Entusiasmado:** Enthusiastic/excited

 **Deliciosos:** delicious

 **Y por supuesto:** And of course

 **D'accord:** Okay

 **Je suis le roi du café:** I am the king of coffee

 **Sabes cómo quiero lo mío:** You know how I want mine

 **Gilbert, eres una idiota:** Gilbert, you are an idiot.

 **Très mignon:** Very cute

 **L'amour:** Love

 **¡Dios m** ** **í** o! ¡Hace calor! ¡Ayayay, hace calor! ¡No puedo creer que tienes un corazón tan fría que puedes hacer cosas así a tu amigo inocente!:** My God! It's hot! Ayayay, it's hot! I can't believe that you have such a cold heart that you can do things like this to your innocent friend!

 **I hope I made you laugh. And by the way, Adele is amazing. I definitely do not agree with Gilbert on that one.**

 **Reviews are appreciated! Thanks for reading!**


End file.
